Christmastime for the Jews

by Robert Smigel, Matt O’Brien, Eric Drysdale, Julie Klausner

SNL, December 2005

On Christmas eve the Gentiles gather ‘round the Christmas tree.
They stay at home and party with their goyishe family.
They disappear one day each year and pass the eggnog ‘round,
but it’s all right, ‘cause that’s the night the Jews control the town.

Well it happens every year on Christmas eve.
All the happy Christian people take their leave.

Yeah, the streets are deserted and that’s big news:
It’s Christmastime for the Jews.

Yeah, the Holiday party starts ‘bout 6 PM.
Ain’t nobody recreating Bethlehem
Yeah, the three wise men, that’s a big old snooze.

[Note:  they recreate the cast of Seinfeld]
Christmastime for the Jews.

They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line.
They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweetest wine.
They can crank Barbara Streisand on the streets they cruise.
Christmastime for the Jews.

They can gang up on the Quakers, play for the Lakers,
they can do what they wanna, even Vogue Madonna.
Get a chance to drive a tractor, win on Fear Factor,
See Fiddler on the Roof with actual Jewish actors…

Now they really get the party going after dark,
Circumcising grateful squirrels in the city park,
Picking fights in the bars, knowing they can’t lose.
Christmastime for the Jews.

Now it’s nearly 10:30. Yes, it’s time for bed,
Daily Show reruns dancing in their heads.
Maybe next year they’ll learn how to hold their booze.
Christmastime for the Jews.
Have some water
Christmastime for the Jews.
Don’t get sick now.
Christmastime for the Jews.
Sleep it off, yeah.